TWO-THINGS-ARE-TRUE-AT-ONCE JULY.

*I STARTED TO WRITE THIS SUNDAY, JULY THE THIRD…it’s been busy, y’all.

The following post is a mixed bag of tired (sleepy, not out of date…hopefully) thoughts, ideas, wishes and wants…I probably should have kept them to myself but I haven’t written in so long, that I missed you all.
Well, THAT seems promising, right?

Okay. Here we go.

I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THAT JUNE IS OVER.
IT’S JULY, PEOPLE.

IT’S JU-LY.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Today, I was filled with the FOMO…which is the FEAR OF MISSING OUT.
(I googled)
FOMO for what exactly?
Well, everything.

I see people on the GRAM (that’s what the kids call it…I think) who are kayaking, who are hiking, who are swimming, who are traveling, who are out there in the world crushing summer activities like they’ve been stuck inside all the crap winter as well as all the pandemical time before that…BUT I find myself INSIDE, at the computer, a bit worn out, a lot fulfilled, a bunch excited…and a tad solitary, but with a dog, thankfully.
Worn out from the work that I dearly love, but still…a bit still, frustratingly, worn out.

There is a lot going on inside and outside…and inside the inside…and inside the outside.

May was cray, and then, well, June turned cray…and July continues to also be the aforementioned cray…and August just became what? Cray.

To be honest, it’s the work and creative life I’ve always DREAMT of…but…and please don’t think me at ALL ungrateful because I am grateful as can be…I sure do miss the summer fun.

I wanna get out and CRUSH IT SUMMERWISE but I also find that I REALLY want to lay down on the floor and stretch my back for 45 minutes, leading into a meditation that directly, do not pass go, leads to a life-changing soul nap.

And WHAT, my people, has been one of my larger revelations this year?

TWO THINKS CAN BE TRUE AT ONCE!!

Also, I have some shooting coming up, so I have gone back to being fairly solo so I don’t catch the co-co…because the NEW co-co seems to be VERY catchy and I DO NOT want to be the one that causes shit to shut down…because no one wants to be that person, right?
It happens, it’s not a crime…but it still sucks.
So, alone-ish with dog it is.

Yes, indeed, I’ve managed to avoid the co-co, somehow.
Somehow.
I’ve recently witnessed a few of my friends getting the co-co and not having an easy time of it at all…so, while some people are all “it’s like a cold”, others I know are like, “I’ve had a life altering headache for twenty days”…so, I remain steadfast in my war against the co-co.
Also, I’m an amateur hypochondriac, so that helps…thank goddess.
Also ALSO, I love to forget that I’ve religiously masked, mostly stayed out of packed places, lived a bit fearfully, and occasionally judged my way through seven…yes, we are in wave seven…waves of COVID.

Anyhow, so again I find I’m worn…and a bit grumpy about not having the energy to put on my hiking shoes and go scale some bruce trail rocks.

I was walking JO today and we turned down her favourite alley, Chicken Wing Alley (if you know, you know) and there was a dude loading his already inflated, two person kayak on the roof of HIS Subaru.
As Jo pulled me hopefully towards the ALWAYS-EXCEPT-FOR-ONCE empty Chicken Wing Corner, I was taken by the fantasy of what my life might be if I had someone to inflate my kayak and load it on the roof of MY Subaru, who would then take me, escort me if you will, to adventures that I would not have to pack for myself.
Imagine that shit, Sharron.

Not that it EVER happened before, really, let’s be clear. If there was ANY sort of adventure in my past life? I was the engine. Full stop.

I’ve been doing shit by myself for a very long time and am quiet used to it, shockingly used to it, so the fantasy of having someone else do stuff for me was almost sexually enticing…there was a soundtrack…and that soundtrack was TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD by Rufus featuring the one and only Chaka Kahn.

Though that sounds how it sounds…and I’m aware how it sounds so don’t write me… I’m pretty happy on my own, quite content most of the time, but today I still found myself staring at that young(ER) gentleman standing on his tip toes in his Birkenstocks, in his Roots sweatpants, his ironic gimme trucker hat, and his LET’S GET OUTSIDE hoodie, straining to secure the inflatable to his roof rack, and was washed with a bit of melancholy and desire.

As I looked at him I thought to myself, “You know what? It would be nice to have an adventure buddy that I might like to do sexy stuff with who wears grey track pants and wears them well…and also likes to drive sometimes…and has a really great job…and likes living at their own place…but digs me hard…and I dig hard back…who mostly likes to blow up kayaks, slow dance and is hysterically funny.”

Sigh.

TWO THINGS ARE TRUE AT ONCE.

After I caught myself staring, but thankfully he did not…I think…I chatted with this track-panted gent for a while because it NEVER occurred to me to inflate my kayak BEFORE I left.
It’s fairly genius.
THEN you put it on your roof on the way back, and it dries OUT!!

As I wished him a good Sunday, ALL MY INSIDES SCREAMED THAT I SHOULD GO OUT ON MY KAYAK TODAY.

What a MASSIVE MANGLE OF DELICIOUS THOUGHTS!!! I really enjoyed them.

As I continued on my dog walk, I did some mindful checking around my body, and was reminded that my shell is not anywhere even near ready for that kind of exertion today.
I was bummed.
Summer is my fave…and summer is flying by.

TWO THINGS.

Later, on the FACETIME with my friend Ari, he tried valiantly to cheer me up and I informed him that I was level-11-menopausal-NOT-up-for-being-encouraged-to-laugh.

AGAIN, if you know? You know.

It was a day, people. An up and down day.

AS Ari kindly bounced back from that comment, he said, “Shar, maybe this summer is about working…and recharging from work. If you do the weekend-warrior thing, how will you ever fill your tank back up? It will not be the end of the world if your kayak stays stowed this year.”

I felt his words to the pit of my stomach.
He’s not wrong.
But I hope he’s not totally right.

TWO FUCKING THINGS.

So, I had different kind of day this Sunday July 3rd.
I did the second thing.
I stretched, I meditated, I walked Jo ever so slowly and for a long time, I napped, I drank a full glass of dark chocolate soy milk on my balcony while Jo languished in the sun on her “outside” bed.
I did other Sunday things that I enjoy doing…an now here I am, music playing softly on my BOSE, a candle that is a mash up of mango and pomelo (I have no idea what that is but it smells good)…and it’s late…and I’m writing because sometimes it’s the only thing that collects my thought, wishes, worries, madnesses and ideas.

This afternoon, after stretching but before napping, I was watching an ad on the Youtube that intro’s the thunder and lightening video that I like to stretch to, and in the ad a couple was laying in sleeping bags on a desert floor somewhere, looking up at the stars…and I thought, I wanna do that.
I gotta do that.
I wish I could do it right now.
How do I do this right now?
My insides were overwhelmed by all that I want to do…things that I suddenly and breathlessly feel like I should be doing now…the feeling was physical and filled with yearning.
So, lying there on the floor, I pulled out my phone to type a list that I felt compelled to write that I don’t want to forget…because AGAIN I’m in menopause and had to consider what a FORK was for about 3.5 seconds today.

To the depth of my bones I felt this list.

And, again, I asked myself the very important questions that I’ve asked a number of times the last few years…if you’ve read my stuff you know them…but just in case, they are as follows:

Life is short, Matthews. There are NO guarantees…WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? WHAT DO YOU WANNA SEE?

Here is my most recent list:

LIST OF THINGS I WANT TO DO SOONER RATHER THAN LATER JUST IN CASE THE WORLD BLOWS UP (because it seems like it might).

See the stars in the desert on a clear night.

Camp on the top of a mountain.

Have a hotel room that looks out over the ocean in Positano.

Buy a Small RV for me and Jo to travel around North America.

Live on a sailboat for a month.

Form a band of awesome players who just want to jam for fun.

Create a dedicated poker table.

Live on Vancouver Island.

Own a home in Laurel Canyon.

Be brave enough to move somewhere and make new friends.

Stay true to my lifelong friends.

Get though menopause with kindness and compassion for self.

Let Jolene be herself and not rush her through whatever she went through to get to me.

Love myself hard.

Know that every moment and EVERY SINGLE feeling belongs.

Know that the negative statements and thoughts that my mind spews are decades old programs that are running on repeat inside my brain…like the earth’s never ending message sent out into space to other search for other life forms. The message is unchanging and unemotional. It’s just information.

Realize that relationships are like clothes and just because they seem to fit me doesn’t mean I’m supposed to wear them…or that they look beautiful on me. Don’t settle. Look for the extraordinary.

Remind myself that I’m sexy and though I’ve had a bit of a pandemical dry spell it’s never too late to remember that I deserve to have the good sex…again…and again.

Know when it’s time to let go of people and the past. In love and for my well being.

Go dancing. Go rollerskating. Go.

Challenge myself to ask a person out every month, friend and/or date.

Say yes. Just say yes. I heard Harvey Feirstein say this in a podcast, and he is not wrong. At all. You never know where yes will take you…leave you…or find you.

Embrace whatever this July has to offer…even if it’s not what you usually like to do…and every month after that.

 

That is the list I typed into my phone…and finished stretching, and took that nap.

When I woke, I read it…and got excited.

It went from things I want to do, to things I want to feel…which is why I love writing so much, it opens me up and helps me get to the bottom of my gut.

This month I did a wonderful photoshoot with Sam Gaetz and, honestly, I don’t think I’ve worked so hard of getting a project together that did not result in me walking onstage to sing.

It was quite a glorious day during a very busy time and it reminded me…yes, reminded me…that it’s important to do the work and go ALL the way with things you plan…to do the work, even when pooped out…and when you finally get to the thing you’ve been working towards? BREATHE AND FUCKING ENJOY IT!!

I really love the results. I have so much good material to choose from…thank you Sam!

The photo at the top is one of my faves, to which I’ve added one of the above wants. I think it really works…the pic and the wants.

Have a wonderful rest-of-July, Humans…whatever you do.

Toronto, Ontario – S.M.

July 17th, 2022