I Didn’t Know Love At All – The RagTag Group
So, I sort-of accidentally and intentionally ended up in a INSTA group with seven kick-ass creators who all have one very specific thing in common.
Not one of us had ever been in a Hallmark Christmas movie.
Right?
Most of us had never EVEN auditioned for one.
And me?!
I’d auditioned for many…like MAAANY…and have NEVER been booked.
Just never.
It’s a thing.
And the characters?
CHARACTER #129: Uptight book exec who sends unsuspecting writer to small town to do a covert expose on the town hunk slash emotionally unavailable carpenter slash secret millionaire?
NO SHARRON. NOT YOU!!
CHARACTER #348: Sweet aunt and owner of flailing Christmas tree farm who welcomes a young, uptight (someone is ALWAYS uptight) city lawyer whose car got stuck in a snowdrift just outside her farm gates, who calls the local tow truck operator who is a secret millionaire who heavily dislikes lawyers!!
NO SHARRON. NO YOU!
There have been MANY other scenarios I’ve tried to insert myself into for Hallmark and the like, BUT no DICE!!
BUT NOW I know that for me, the upswing of all those unsuccessful self tapes was the forming of this very special group.
About a year ago, when publicity maven and all round Toronto-It-Woman Gail McInnes posted on the TWITTER that all she wanted was to guest in a Hallmark movie, I looked at the post for about a minute before I decided to post an answer that said something to the tune of:
“Get in line, Mama!! Booking one of those things is an entertainment Rubik’s Cube that I wish I could crack!! Said with love and frustration!! (weeping emoji)”
As I stared at my post, heavily considering taking the post down because knowing oneself includes knowing that sometimes my humour doesn’t land in text (or in person, for that fucking matter because they cannot all be gems), six replies quickly pinged onto my twitter account from six other actresses who’d also never been in a Hallmark movie.
Six amazing, admirable actresses….all shouting to the heavens of Twitter that they TOO had not ever graced the screens of Lifetime or W from November to January 1st.
Then we started a twitter hang that turned into an email hang that morphed into INSTAGRAM hang…then a group!
AND most of these women had never met each other and before we knew it, we were supporting each other, venting, creating and generally just being there for each other.
We’ve pitched projects, mulled over world events, talked about body ills, career triumphs and tragedies, and relationships.
It’s been a pretty amazing ride, so far.
The reason I bring them up is because today we all shared the Joni Mitchell YouTube video of the set she performed at the NewPort Folk Festival last night.
THIS video.
Unpacking this video and understanding why it’s being shared far and wide by not just women, but ESPECIALLY by women, is a glorious and heartbreaking endeavour.
Simply watching Wynona Judd fighting to keep her shit together just behind Joni, who is sitting in a glorious throne-type chair as she sings, and seeing Brandi Carlisle continuously not believe this is happening, and add in the surrounding musicians who are just watching the whole event in awe, made me rewind the video over and over and over again.
Rewind.
Yes, I said it.
Oh, to have been there…OH TO HAVE BEEN THERE.
Joni Mitchell wrote Both Sides Now when she was 23.
Read that again.
She released it in 1969, the year after I was born…which is neither here nor there for you…but IS here and there for me.
I mentioned to the gals in our Ragtag Group, (that’s what we call our INSTA group) that to see her, and to have simply listened to her perform the song at both ends of her life is a joyous and soul stirring event.
I sat for a moment and then typed the following to the Ragtag’s:
“Okay…so…when I started therapy, after the marriage imploded, I listened to this song by accident…and I say BY ACCIDENT because the music of life is a big pothole when you’re trying to just make it through the day…and I stopped what I was doing, I think I dropped whatever was in my hands and heard the words, LIKE REALLY HEARD THE LYRICS FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE THE FIRST TIME, and then I was inconsolable for days…no hyperbole…and WHEN I went to one of my earliest therapy appointments I sat down and said, “I…I don’t know love at all…”. I don’t know when I’ve ever felt anything so deeply. That is the Monday morning story that I felt safe enough to tell you all.”
Goddess, music is life…in all it’s heartbreaking and spirit-lifting glory.
Their responses were immediate and supportive…and thread as long as a CVS receipt.
I love these gals.
Truly.
Since that admission those four years ago, I’ve dedicated myself to really doing the work of knowing and clocking the bundles of love in my life every day.
From my dog, to my friends, from my family, to my work and straight back to myself…love is indeed everywhere.
But what a thing it was to discover that I didn’t know what it truly was, when I was just about to turn fifty.
That is just the truth.
But no more.
I’m open to, aware of, scared of, and the self professed protector of oceans of love…AND I needed to know what it was before I knew it was worth searching for, acknowledging and safe guarding.
So, thank you Joni.
Thank you Ragtag ladies.
And thank you life.
Here are the words, written by Joni Mitchell…just in case you want to really have a look through.
BOTH SIDES NOW
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Looked at clouds that way
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
From up and down and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way
And you leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away
From give and take and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know love
Really don’t know love at all
To say, “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
I really don’t know life
I really don’t know life at all
Enjoy this July day and clock your love, name your love…it will make what is NOT love very clear.
July 25th, 2022. S.M.
Toronto, ON
Sharron, you and Ms Joni have a great deal in common, apart from tremendous talent. Your art comes from a brave investigation of your life and your story and she is the original confessional songwriter.
Confessional. There was a time when that term was applied to her dismissively, in a light and totally sexist way. I know she wasn’t a fan of the label. Joni hates labels.
But the reason she is my spirit guide is precisely because she’s so brave with her own story — like you. (You’re maybe a little more humorous). Joni is fearless and outspoken about her life experiences, never coming to conclusion — always more observations, more questions. She admits she doesn’t know life at all. Still. That’s what I heard in her amazing 79 year old voice at Newport. Still admitting it!
We know about her massive use of weird, unconventional chord structures. It’s why jazz musicians love her. She especially uses suspended notes in chords, which give them an unresolved and anticipating quality. Do you know what Joni calls them? “Chords of inquiry”.
Inquiry.
When she shares what she ASKS HERSELF, it offers so many of us deep connection to the pain and joy of being human. Like this …
“I feel your leg under the table
Leaning into mine.
I feel renewed, I feel disabled
By the bonfire in my spine.
I don’t know who the arsonist was,
Which incendiary soul.
But all I ever wanted
Was just come in from the cold.
Is this just vulgar electricity,
Is this the edifying fire?
Does your smile cover complicity,
Debase as it admires?
Are you just checking out your mojo?
Or am I just fighting off growing old?
All I ever wanted
Was just to come in from the cold.”
Keep inquiring about your life, Sharron and sharing your investigation. It’s for you, yes, but also for the good of the people.
GODDAMN I LOVE YOU.
Thank you Allen. We gotta sit down and have a lunch. A boozy lunch.
GODDAMN I LOVE YOU.
Thank you Allen. We gotta sit down and have a lunch. A boozy lunch.
Yes, I understand that. It is strange the connections you make on line with people you never met. I accidently did that too. My turning time was when I turned 50 too, now I am 61 and I am still trying to figure it out. I love Joni Mitchell!!!!