How Bob Fosse Gave Me A Panic Attack and the Invincible Summer

OH MY GOD!!!

TORONTO!! WASN’T TODAY JUST A GIFT FROM THE BABY JESUS!?!?
I wrote the following thoughts before I woke up, walked out on my balcony…and discovered that it was 16 friggen degrees.
16 degrees on March 6th, 2022.

THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF TORONTO ONLY NEEDED A LIN MANUEL MIRANDA SOUNDTRACK TO MAKE TODAY A MUSICAL.

The people of this city were literally dancing, running, riding, singing, and spinning out their front doors and along the lakeshore, through the parks, along Queen Street, onto the patios…and I saw at least 14 pairs of shorts before I made it to Coronation Park.
One pair even had pink flamingos on them.
Oh, you delicious Canadian humans…your delightful hope makes ME hopeful.
Today literally changed my mood in a way that was so deep, I could have cried.
READ: I cried.
Happy tears.

BECAUSE YESTERDAY???….I felt like dung.
True shitty ass dung.
Today’s shift was so dramatic that I wanted to put up the following disgruntled thoughts so I would remember how quickly life can change…how quickly the weather can change…how quickly the darknesses can pass.
Oh, the drama.

THE following is from yesterday night at 3:00am…so really, this morning.

I’ve not written in SO very long, I started to feel pressure (from myself, of course) to write something here.
A few days ago, I began to write a bit of a navel-gaze-ie (if we cannot be honest with ourselves about our art, then we are doomed) post about KNOWING WHO YOU ARE.
At one point, I literally typed the line:

Don’t Cry for Me Argentina, I got this. Sometimes life is hard.

It was about this time that I closed it all down.
People, as soon as you start quoting Andrew Lloyd Webber songs it’s time to pack your shit in.

Instead, because this winter is a bit shit and the world seems to be spiralling, I decided that if I wrote about some of the things that are making me feel like crap, that are giving me pause, that are making me anxious, that JUST simply ARE…that I JUST might make myself laugh and not take it all so hard.
SO, if this makes it to the wall, then obviously I made myself laugh…which is literally the most actor-ie thing I can imagine.
(Rolls eyes)

1. At the grand age of 53, while languishing in periomenopause (Yes, I said it…I’ve said the word before and I will say it again, I’m sure) I have discovered that eating your feelings, will almost IMMEDIATELY make your feelings WORSE…and for longer than your original feelings would have bothered you in the first place.
I’m gonna say it loud for those of us in the back of the room…IF YOU EAT YOUR FEELINGS YOU WILL LITERALLY FEEL WORSE…FOR LONGER.
Put the Old School Original Flavoured BBQ Chips down…and MAYBE meditate…or walk…or instead eat the $6.99 box of hydroponic watermelon you have sitting in your icebox.
Which, for the record, does NOT taste like summer watermelon, but much like something that almost seems like love in the time of a pandemic, will just have to do.

2. If you don’t follow my INSTAGRAM (which is one of my fave things, by the way) I got me a dog.
Her name is JOLENE and she is made of sunshine, dreams, soft things, and love.
I adore her in a way that’s probably sickening to some…but I really don’t care.

I tell her how much I love her all day long.
Again, judge at will.
On January 1st, I was sitting in my pristine condo and thought, “Are you going to stay in here alone forever, or are you going to take a chance of love and the possibility of getting hurt?”.
I know that seems very dramatic, but if you don’t know me at all I’ve lived with four wonderful dogs who’ve moved on to their greater rewards, AND also there is the little side bar of my marriage that ended in a bit of shambles of stupidity, secrets and anger, so I have some things that I’m doggedly (sweet jesus) working on, and getting Jolene is a bit of a jump off the cliff for me.
Jolene.
Now, I think she knows her name, but just in case, we are still working on it.
I do love training her.
She came to me ALL FILLED WITH LOVE, but a bit scared, a bit needy, a bit overwhelmed, with a dash of dominance (which also sounds like the end of my marriage)…so, with the help of a trainer, I’ve been working with her on all her these things for the last seven weeks.
Now the past few nights, after her last walk and last play, she’s been going to her little plush bed to rest, instead of sitting with me on the couch.
Well.
So, it seems that I’ve trained her to feel safe and be okay with her own company, BUT I’m gonna be honest here, NOW I feel sad that she wants to be on her own.
I know.
The trainer told me not to put human emotions on her, which is something I already know…but still.
Her distance leans on my shit.
We are working through it…by NOT eating Old School Original Flavoured BBQ Chips…and counting our wins.
But still. (Shrugs)

3. I feel like I’ve put on my winter boots 4000 times this year. That is 3998 more times than I would have liked.

4.You guys, my body aches this winter.
Now, I’ve been walking in the cold a lot (which does not help the aches) because, I don’t know if you follow my INSTAGRAM, but I got a new dog.
Yes, I KNOW I just wrote that above.
It’s a joke.
You know what’s not a joke?
My fucking aching body.
It could be the walking, the hiking, the exercising, the picking up of the 100 toys that I bought her, or picking up JO herself, possibly wrestling with her on the floor, or maybe picking up her poops, or crouching down to put on one of the million coats that I bought on the internet…this ALL seems to be a bit more bending and crouching than I’ve done in a while.
So, as a result, my body aches and makes me feel fucking ancient.
AND then, because I hiked for about 7kms in the snow with Jolene yesterday, (during which I felt pretty awesome), TODAY my body felt like I’d been to a Hamilton bush party in the winter without the proper attire and then rolled drunk down a rocky hill into a ditch.
I know this feeling from experience.
So, tonight I stretched, then sat on my heating pad, took some Advil…took some more Advil…put Trameel all over me, and after about thirty minutes, the aches ramped me up into me thinking that I’ve waited too long to start hiking and being adventurous…and what if I only have 7 or 8 more years of being active before my body falls apart, and well, SHARRON, it’s actually falling apart right now, isn’t it?
WHAT if this is it?!
WHAT IF I ALREADY WASTED THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE!?!?
Yes, IT ALL ESCALATED VERY QUICKLY.
I had to call Ari on FACETIME…and he told me how pretty my hair is (I just got it coloured and cut today) and then generally calmed me down.
So.
My body aches, you guys. (Shrugs again and it hurts…puts on more TRAMEEL)

5. When I was 21, someone yelled out their car window at me as I was walking home from working at Chi Chi’s in Market Square (I don’t think I have EVER hated a job so much)…they screamed out “NICE ASS” and quite frankly, I have trotted that nugget out on bad days and I think it’s time to fucking let it go.

6. I’ve been rewatching FOSSE/VERDON.
I really loved it the first time I watched it.
Some didn’t.
I did.
Last week, I was at the point in the series where Michelle Williams (as Gwen VERDON) is singing through NOWADAYS at the piano in a theatre lobby that is very reminiscent of the upstairs lobby at the Royal Alex. One of my favourite days of my life was spent in that lobby, when we did our sitzprobe for Les Mis when I was 22 years old.
So, Verdon/Williams is emoting the shit out of the tune, the actors playing Kander, Ebb and Chita are there…as well as Sam Rockwell, as Fosse.
She gets to the end of the song and is so excited about it that she’s brimming with joy and happiness and theatre magic and vocal fry.
It’s Gwen’s song. It’s her show. It’s her big closing number.
Fosse then tells her he wants her to share it with Chita.
She’s GUTTED.
She launches into A HUGE MONOLOGUE ABOUT how Fosse is trying to steal her gold, and is jealous of her, and she saved his life…and he just looks at her, pauses, then he tells her that she is taking it all too personally. Which is not wrong…but still…
At this point, I found myself sitting on my couch in a stage 5 (out of 10) panic attack remembering theatrically hard, brutal seemingly personal situations that I’d either been in myself or watched from the sidelines as they were experienced by other actors.
I HAVEN’T DONE THEATRE FOR YEARS AND JUST WATCHING THAT SCENE SENT ME OVER THE RAINBOW.
THEATRE IS HARD AND NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED…AND THIS PANDEMIC FRAMES SHIT IN A WAY THAT I DISLIKE.
THAT WAS MY TAKE AWAY.
Sometimes theatre is fucking amazing too…but fuck.

7. Why do people feel like their “right” to not wear a mask is more important (UG) another person’s “right” to not get COVID?  I just REALLY don’t fucking get it. I have thought around and around it…and it just seems fucking nuts.

8. Why is our premiere so ineffective? Didn’t he literally loose 4.4 BILLION dollars? Like no one can find it. Can you imagine if WE lost our property taxes for one year? The UPROAR!?!?

9. What do we do now in this two year old pandemic world?
Do we integrate back into society even though the pandemic is NOT over?
Do we go to restaurants and take our masks off NOT knowing the vaccination status of the person we are sitting in a room with?
THAT is a hard no for me…BUT WHAT DO WE DO NOW!?!? BUELLER!?!?

So, after all that complaining, I went to bed just grumbly and anxious…which led to a TERRIBLE SLEEP.
When I woke up, I moved to the couch, just sitting there ruminating in the residual effects of the dung feeling…and really felt an overall defeat.
A pandemical defeat.
A winter defeat.
An I-miss-people-and-places defeat.
A what-is-going-on-in-the-world defeat.

Then, I walked onto the balcony, felt the warm wind on my face and my soul opened up like a flower.

I could not get dressed fast enough to get Jo and myself out into the world…and when we got there, we did NOT want to leave the outside…so we walked and sat…walked and sat…walked and sat.

And while the world still floats just above a weird kind of pandemical hell some days…today it was heavenly.

After our wonderful visit to the park, I came home and opened my patio door and left it wide open.
The next time I looked out, I saw this.

During my whole blessed life with dogs, I knew that spring was really coming when I let one of them outside and then they stayed.
They stayed outside to take in the sun.
I looked at her and just burst into tears.
It was like a sign from all my dogs…winter may be shit, Mama, but summer is coming.
Be patient.
Be brave.

And then I thought about my favourite quote:

My dear,

In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.

In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.

In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.

I realized, through it all, that…

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

Truly yours
– Albert Camus 

Be invincible.

I know we are still in winter…but not forever.

Just when you feel like dung, you might discover that this shit will pass. I believe.

NAMASTE.

P.S. This is Jolene in the morning…

March 6th, 2022 – S.M.
Toronto, ON.