Today, I accidentally climbed a mountain…

…a SMALL mountain, but still.

I know. Two posts. Two days in a row….but I climbed a mountain, people.

I drove down the coast from Half Moon Bay to Big Sur today.

The sun was shining, the car was vrooming, and Barbra has just gotten to the part of her book where she excuses Bill Clinton for “whatever happened behind closed doors at the Whitehouse”…girl…as well as her marriage to James Brolin…which is hour 46 to 47, for anyone keeping score.

I’m in the home stretch of Barbra Streisand’s fifty hour memoir on Audible, in case you don’t follow me on Instagram.

It’s been a fucking literary journey. It really has EVERYTHING.

I’ve really enjoyed listening to her read her story…and listening to her comment on her story…and I ESPECIALLY love listening to her reading all her stellar reviews and letters of admiration. YOU GO, BABS…except for the Bill Clinton part.

My plan today was to hike Point Lobos Nature Reserve just outside of Monterey, but when I drove by, there were hundreds of cars parked along the road near the entrance…and it was THEN that I remembered that it’s Sunday.

I kept driving.

I’ve always wanted to see Big Sur and I can pivot.

Highway 1 is presently closed between Big Sur and San Simeon, so it would be an out-and-back ending at Monterey for the night. Presently, I’m staying in the sweetest little motel in Monterey, and doing my laundry.

My friend Ari…who is taking care of my dog, bless… just asked me where I’m staying tonight and I told him that…while it’s more than fine for me…it was his version of camping.

He told me to never bring him. I told him he was safe.

As BABS would say after she goes off on a tangent about her clothing, decor or food that has almost nothing to do with the story she’s telling…BACK TO BIG SUR.

I’d researched and downloaded the hike in Point Lobos and had not done any real research on Big Sur because I thought I would be going there tomorrow.

After the gorgeous drive along the coast, I pulled over when I got into the “town” of Big Sur…

…oh, UPDATE: There is no real town…it’s just a tiny little hamlet with a few hotels…it reminded me of Yosemite…quite quaint…

…when I pulled over to check out my ALLTRAILS I realized there was NO cell service…which, as we all know, is the way most Dateline stories about hikers begin.

I found the California State Park Ranger Station and asked the gentleman Ranger behind the counter to help me out. I told him I was looking for a 5-8k…he’s all…

“K?”

…and I was all…

”Oh, 3-6 miles”

…but I could tell he knew what I meant. It was like when I was in Edinburgh and I asked a health food store dude for Oil of Oregano and he said he didn’t have it, and when I pointed at a bottle of it that was on a shelf behind him, he said…

”Oh, Oil of OreGANO.”

Girl, please.

Anyhow, the Ranger looked me up and down and pointed on a big laminated map towards a 1.5 mile hike, he thought that would be my speed.

Then we stared at each other for a moment, in silence.

I picked up the map and asked him about a hike that looked a bit longer. He told me it was a moderate hike of about two and a half to three hours. I looked at my watch, I had more than enough time to complete it, so I asked him what his version of moderate was, and he said it was uphill but not too bad…then he looked me up and down, again.

We stared at each other again, in silence.

I opened my ALLTRAILS APP, downloaded the hike on the free Ranger Station wifi, smiled sweetly and swanned out.

If you know one thing about me, you know I hate people insinuating things about my capabilities based on my shape. HATE.

While my life plan is for this fact to NEVER be my downfall…who can really say?

Anyhow, I drove to the trailhead, parked my rental, covered all my stuff in the back and prayed to the baby jesus of not-getting-broken-into, laced up my hiking boots, pulled on my pack and got started.

Now, something you won’t know, is that last year, when my pal Patrica and I went to Yosemite…another bucket list event…we were both exhausted from travel, jet lagged and not ready to do any big hikes…but we did a really nice small one, on which we got lost and had to ask a handsy geologist named Chris which direction we were going in, to which he answered…

“Where do you WANNA go?”

…in a gross way that we’ve never gotten over.

I’d been a bit sad that we’d not climbed anything, something Patricia kept insisting we could have done it we’d been less exhausted.

Either way, I decided that day that I was gonna climb something this September, for my birthday. So, after I got my bad back in a good place, I started training. Stretching. Walking and walking. Short hike in the middle of the week, big hike on the weekend. I was methodical and focused.

As you WILL know if you read yesterday’s blog, this trip was spontaneous. While I’m in good hiking shape, I would not KNOWINGLY attempt a climb…especially on my own.

Well.

When the path started going up…and up…and switch back…and up…I consulted the elevation explanation on ALLTRAILS…which I puzzled over for a while until I realized it all really meant nothing to me…so, I kept going up and up…and switch back…and up…on a VERY narrow path on the side of a mountain.

Not a SUPER HIGH mountain…but a mountain just the same, people.

There was a moment when I realized that I was REALLY climbing something…I know it’s obvious, but it’s been a big goal of mine…and that’s when I knew I would make it to the top no matter what the fuck occurred.

I’m gonna be honest, I was scared for my life about six times due to the path, the rocks, the drop, and other things like the very loud bug that was following me like a stalker.

SIDEBAR: For anyone who is nervous about my aloneness that was mixed in with a bit of cluelessness…I had COYOTE spray in my pants pocket and when I realized how fucked I could possibly be if I stumbled, I held my phone up till I got two bars and texted Patty to let her know where I was, and that I would text her when I got out. She sent me two checking-up Marco Polo’s about two hours later that got lost in the internet free zone…because THAT is what friends are fucking for. END OF SIDEBAR.

Up.

Up.

Switchback.

Stare at mountains.

Realize how high up I am.

Look down the side of the path and see the DROP.

Stand and breathe with hand on heart and remind myself that I hike all the time.

Something I understood about myself on this climb…and it really WAS and continued to be a climb…is that if I was with someone, I might not have been able to do it. True Story.

While I climbed today,  I realized that I worry that people might think me not capable, or that they might judge how much I stop…and I do stop a lot…or that they might hear me breathing and think that I’m struggling…and this makes my mind and body believe I cannot do it.

When I’m by myself, NONE of these things bother me at all…but add another person, even someone I love, and I feel vulnerable…exposed…obvious.

This was a very important thing to discover.

I really HAVE to stop worrying what other people think of me. I really really really fucking do.

Anyone I hike with would never give a shit, anyhow…but still,  there is a delightful freedom in being alone.

Again, I like being out here on my own.

Up.

Up.

Switchback.

Then, when I judged from the sky and tree line that I was getting very near the top, every time I came around a corner and saw another climb…AND they GOT STEEPER AS I GOT CLOSER TO THE FUCKING TOP…I SCREAMED OUT…

“FUCK OFFFFFF!”

I screamed out those words about five times till I FINALLY MADE IT.

I FUCKING MADE IT.

I stood in a bunch of scrub, looking out over the majestic view that led to the PACIFIC OCEAN and screamed…

”FUCK YOU MOUNTAIN!!!”

When I heard laughter behind me, I almost fell off the fucking mountain…which would have just been a shitty outcome.

When I turned around, I saw a young couple smiling at me, cheers-ing me with their St. Patrick’s Day beers…I GD forgot it was St. Patrick’s Day.

The guy mentioned that they’d been excited to see who was going to emerge after to listening to me scream at the hills for the last twenty minutes.

Then they took my picture. They insisted that I capture my big win from all angles.

I climbed something. And I was highly capable of it. I was so fucking thrilled.

Also, the way back down was steep as fuck…so, that was also a thing…but not as hard.

I totally underestimated myself.

Huh.

What a delightful surprise.

Just before I reached the end of the trail, I made up a little song about how I was going to eat some chips and have a Diet Coke…again, don’t tell my naturopath about the Diet Coke.

When I popped off the trail, I saw that my rental was intact.

Better and better.

What a great fucking day.

Oh, I bought Sour Cream and Onion Pringles, and hoovered them so hard my hand got stuck in the cylinder.

I regret nothing.

And here are some SELFIES!!!!! Okay, they aren’t really selfies…but I like a theme…it all started with this lovely river…

 

…then UP…the name should have really given me a heads up…

 

…I mean…

…I meeaaannnn….

 

…and then…photo shoot with strangers who you will never see….

Y’all. I climbed something.

Accidentally, but still…it counts.

Oh, and I gotta tell you…I thanked my sweet yesterday self for that heaping plate of diner SPAGHETTI and MEATBALLS. THAT CARB LOAD GOT ME TO THE TOP!!!

 

S.M. March 17th, 2024

Monterey, California.