ECSTATICALLY ALONE

 

Ecstatically Alone.

My friend uttered those words to me yesterday and they fell straight into my soul, no hyperbole…no joke…no stopping at GO to collect 200 hundred dollars…and if you don’t get THAT reference? WELL, then you’ve never played Monopoly…which, incidentally, was my favourite thing to do all summer, almost EVERY summer, when I was growing up.

You know what? I gotta find me a double vaxx Monopoly group.

That was an out loud thought.

Okay.
Yesterday, at around sunset in Toronto, I found myself sitting on my life jacket, on the beach that is inside the break walls on Lakeshore in Toronto, after just completing my first, solo, kayak paddle…in my own kayak.
I own a kayak.
Sharron Matthews.
52 year old solo traveller.
Life long lover of the outdoors BUT never able to throw herself into them outside of a few trails and the dog park, till now.
Woman who three years ago thought she knew almost exactly what the rest of her life held and was totally wrong in so many ways, some sad, but most very happy…researched and bought herself an inflatable kayak.
Then, after more than a week of it sitting in the trunk of her car, waiting for a friend to come with her so she would not be afraid to get in, or fall out, said, “FUCK WAITING”, drove to the lake, figured out how to set it up, hauled it to the water (feeling like an Olympian) and after standing in the water beside aforementioned floating and bobbing kayak, for over ten minutes, finally told herself

JUST FUCKING DO IT NOW

…and jumped in.

One leg straight after the other. And whooped out loud. And paddled the fuck away from shore.

And all of a sudden, after 52 years, she had a vehicle for whole new perspective and view on the world.

ALSO NO HYPERBOLE.

ECSTATICALLY ALONE.

The hysterical thing is, after I got out into the water a bit of a ways, I found myself spinning and spinning around, I realized I had not affixed the fins, and had to haul myself back to shore (without fins) and of out the kayak (did not fall in), put the fins on AND GET IN AGAIN.
This time I almost fell in…but saved myself at the last minute.
Which is…well, which is the theme of my life, it seems.
Well, maybe not always the last minute…but sometimes certainly WAY TOO close to it.

I paddled back and forth, quietly and joyously realizing that my life long worry of NOT being good at something right away is now gone.
It’s fucking gone.
What a thing.
I know that I am not good at it yet, but I will be…after a lot of practice.
THIS IS NOW hopefully one of the new major themes of my life.

After ninety minutes or so on the water, a good first go AFTER a two hour hike (I really do think I am in the Olympics) up in Halton Hills, I hauled my kayak up onto the beach, took off my life jacket, threw it on the sand, and plunked down on top of it, it feeling like a fucking super hero.
I was just brimming, just oozing, just BURSTING with joy and accomplishment.
After joyously basking in the moment alone for a while, I wanted to share my joy…so I Facetimed my friend Patty, and after excited internet celebration, she said those words…ECSTATICALLY ALONE.

She: I read something somewhere about women being brave enough to wait for the transformation that happens from being lonely, to being ecstatically alone…which takes time…you really have to be patient and not knee jerk a relationship or an entanglement that you are not ready for, just to not be alone.

How could that NOT drop into my soul?
I ask you.

Before kayaking, I went on a hike with a friend of mine, and after a few lovely hours, we reached the trail head and started to head home, and I wanted to continue onward, so I did. I was light and still feeling adventurous.
So, I bid him a fond adieu, happy for the time together and just as happily continued onwards, by myself.

SIDEBAR: During our hike we’d run into the same people a few times, because the trails in Halton Hills have many side trails and offshoots, you see a lot of the same hikers. I rounded a corner on my new solo hike, and ran into a couple who we’d seen a few times, and the woman started and said, “You lost your partner”. I wagged my eyebrows and said, “Don’t check in the forest, please. Let this be our little secret?”
After another start, she laughed sudden and loud.
I did the same.
Her male hiking partner laughed, but with appropriate caution.
END OF SIDEBAR

At the end of the day, after the hike, after the drive back, after the trip home to change pants and have lunch, after finding parking at the beach on a SUNDAY, after blowing up the kayak and hauling it to the water, after paddling like a happy so and so, after sitting and basking, after calling my dearest solo traveller pal to celebrate, after hauling it back to the car, after I’d wiped down, deflated, and packed my kayak back up…I sat and rested on the rail in the parking lot and felt it…

ECSTATICALLY ALONE.

I looked out at Lake Ontario, as the sun fell over my shoulder, seeing a future filled with more, more, and more of this kind of day, as well as hikes with friends of all kinds…the hikes AND the friends.
I can see my life with people, and I see it with me, alone, at the helm.
Both can be true, right?

For a long while, this past pandemic, I’d been alone…sometimes lonely…sometimes not…and somewhere in there, I thought that maybe it was time for a relationship…a steady one.
I’m  not sure where this thought came from, hatched or was born…other than maybe pandemic alone…but come, it did.
So, I started to look…which during a pandemic and in the 2000’s is a fairly weird prospect, right? We’ve talked about THIS before.
I looked and looked. Nothing seemed to be firing me up.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, after a fair to middling date with someone stable, who was looking for a steady relationship, who had his ducks in a row…a very nice man, VERY NICE…I got back to my place, sat in the dark, on my couch, in the silence, looking out at the city and thought,

No.

No, Sharron.

This man, this moment, is not for me.

There are still a lot of people yet to meet, so many people to love, learn from and enjoy and I am not finding someone, JUST to have a steady relationship.
And then, I sat there for another very long time…and thought the following…here are some controversial words…I sort of cannot believe I will say this out loud…but it feels like it needs to be said…so, are you ready?

I am not sure I want a steady relationship with someone else.
I think…I think…I think I want me.
I think I want to meet a lot of interesting people, experience and learn, and not stay anchored to a spot, I think I want to date and be steady…with me.

I believe in love.
I believe in loving companionship.
I believe in being in love with people who don’t live with you.
I believe in being in love or loving people you don’t see everyday.
I believe I will fall in love one day.
But I really want to be in love with me, first and foremost.

There are a lot of things that have happened for me, with me, and to me, in the last few months that have caused to me to double down on, well, on me…and this was just one more amazing and wonderful thing.
One more amazing sign from the universe that I am on the right track.

Some people will shake their heads.
Some people won’t agree.
Some people may not understand it….but I, the person most important to me, will do….and call it healthy…and I also call it a recipe for a joyously, happy life.
Again, for the 100th time, for the people in the cheap seats, my happiness looks different than yours. : )

Who knows what the future holds…I ALWAYS stay open to options…but right now? ECSTATICALLY ALONE.

Last week, I went on a hike with a pal of mine, and her mother-in-law, who she really loves (sometimes one doesn’t, mother-in-laws are a rough business…I am sure most gals would agree and most dudes would be like, “WHAT?”), was visiting her, let’s call her Mabes.

Mabes is 92 unbelievable years old.
She looks 70.
She was widowed in her fifties and has been single ever since.
She and I talked a bit about life, being single and marriage, and as she crossed one leg over the other, I noticed her gold ankle bracelet wrapped around an ankle that held a perfectly manicured foot.
She’s a stone cold fox, no doubt.
After a fashion, she announced that he was going to take a nap, and just before she left the room, she leaned back in and took my eyes in hers…

She: Do you have a Honey Man? You have a honey man, yes, Sharron ?

I was shocked. Silent. Which does not happen a lot, for me.

Me: Uh…If I get your meaning, Mabes, yes…yes I have had a Honey Man, on occasion.

She: If you like being single…explore it…really give it a chance, Sharron. You seem like an adventurous gal…who knows where it might take you? I have to sleep. I have things to do, later. Good to meet you!

And off she went.

Solid, smart and wise advise from the mouth of a 92 year old warrior, and straight to my heart and soul for safe keeping…just waiting for the words, ECSTATICALLY ALONE to appear beside it and make it all make total sense.

This life is a fucking trip…and I am gonna take me on it. I deserve dependable and loving company. : )

Namaste, Bunnies and Kitties.

August 16th, 2021 – S.M.
Toronto, ON.

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