“Sharron, what do you think was the most important thing you learned this year…within the pandemic…with your trip into the forest and your cross country trip…just within it all?”

Last week, I had an absolute life affirming blast during an interview with Shoshana Sperling and Lisa Brooke (you can find it at @orangeisthenewparkdale on INSTAGRAM).
It happened at an exact moment in my life when I REALLY needed to feel affirmed.
Like really really.

You never really know when life is gonna hand you a left turn of the fucked-up description.

Somedays, you guys, it feels like I’ve taken ten proud monumental life steps forward, and then suddenly I find myself stumbling about 50 steps back…and on the last step I trip over something…and fall into a crater.

Yes, I’d had a truly devastating day, following a fairly devastating death-of-my-four-year-old-car week, following 37 days on the road.

Also? Because of the breath and brain space that the left turn cost me, I found myself sitting virtually brain dead on my couch at 7:04pm on the day of the devastation AND the interview, (the interview was to start on INSTA LIVE at 7:00pm) eating dark chocolate, considering my life choices…and getting the sudden overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere.
When I arrived on their INSTA stream (after about 7 failed attempts to get on) Shoshana and Lisa were very kind about my lateness…and didn’t even mind, or think it was weird, when I thought all of my existential angst could be solved with a coat of pink lipstick.
Let me say here, the lipstick didn’t hurt.

What followed was a wonderful, soul lifting meeting of minds, with much laughter…and a side of Ed Sahely.
If you know him, you know.

 

 

 

They asked me a lot of great questions, and this, again, was one of them…I hope they don’t mind that I’m paraphrasing:

“Sharron, what do you think was the most important thing you learned this year…within the pandemic…with your trip into the forest and your cross country trip…just within it all?”

I can’t even remember what I said.
The question rolled over me, and I felt a bit overwhelmed because it was a big question for a big year posed on a shit day.
A big year for all of us, indeed.
But it’s been my own specific big year because during December of 2020, I decided to consciously, and with great consideration, take care of myself and on January 1st, 2021, I started the work.

By the end of 2020, the weirdest, alone-est, year ever, everything hurt.
My back.
My legs.
My knees.
My heart.
My feelings.
I’d shot a TV show in a pandemic (with hundreds of COVID tests and all the figuring out of how to shoot during a pandemic..before vaccines…entailed), I’d staged, sold and emptied out my house in Stratford while I shot the show during a pandemic, then I bought a new home and moved into that…during a pandemic…while shooting a show.
All these amazing life things that would be blessings during a regular time (what does regular even mean anymore, really?) were a struggle during 2020.
The sale, the clear out of the house and both moves were executed mostly on my own, with friends supporting where they could…again, may I add, during a pandemic.
AND I think we can ALL agree that 2020 was fucked as fucked can be.
I high five us ALL for making it through.

The last week of 2020, I decided…not as a resolution per se because I hate them, but as an intention…to take my pandemic-ally challenged body and spirit back.

 

The GOAL
To heal my hurts to the best of my ability (physical and mental), to build my stamina so I could hike and hike and bike and bike (and paddle and paddle, even though I didn’t even know I wanted a kayak yet), to do some quiet figuring about what I really wanted out of the rest of my life, and about what I needed to do it.
A tall order to be sure.
BUT life is short, so it seemed like I should get to it.

 

So, I started the work.
I felt like I was standing at the base of many mountains, I won’t lie.
Some of the work was joyous almost right away, which was a wonderful surprise…and some of it was difficult for a while, which was no surprise at all.

I started a meditation practice.
I know. Meditation is fucking hard.
There is nothing like your brain yelling at you as you try to be still.
It was something I’d tried before MANY TIMES with not much success…but this time, I was ready, I think…I was ready to dedicate myself to the uncomfortable journey of getting quiet and listening to the initial internal yelling…and finding my way through it.
It wasn’t easy, as you might imagine, I have a lot going on in and up there…but I took the time, and now I practice every day.
Every.
Damned.
Day.
There is still some internal yelling…but it doesn’t stop me…I wait it out.
I love meditation.
I REALLY love it.

To address the MANY periomenopause symptoms I seemed to be experiencing, I started working with a naturopath.
I’d tried working with one before and had given up when the change wasn’t immediate.
Again, I believe this time I was ready for the trial and error involved in making meaningful changes that aren’t based in quick fixes.
By the way, if you’d told me about 10 years ago that both mediation and naturopaths would be my friend? I would have laughed you out of the room.

Then, I realized, much to my initial unhappiness, that while I was pretty active, I needed help with my muscles, my strength, and my stamina…and my knees and back…so I started collaborating with a trainer, ANOTHER thing I’d tried in the past with varied results…BUT never long lasting success.
When Adrian, my soon-to-be trainer, asked me what I wanted out of an exercise program, I answered

Me: I want to die, delightfully, at the age of 103 on the top of a mountain that I climbed with a group of 30 year olds. I want the strength and power to go and go as far as I can.

He: THOSE are good goals. Let’s get to it.

Adrian, much like the meditation and the naturopathic journey, is ALL about how quick fixes don’t last.
Adrian, meditation, and naturopathy are ALL about how slow and steady, kindness and care, and trial-error-and-try-again wins the race.

Do you see a theme, here?
Patience, Matthews.
Not one of my strongest qualities…but maybe, with patience…maybe I’m learning.
META!!!

Though a lot of the work I’ve done this year is free, some other parts of it are not.
When I sold my house last year, I already knew that some of the proceeds would go to taking care of myself.
This seemed right.
This seemed perfect, actually.

As the months rolled by into 2021 and my aches faded, my mind calmed, my muscles started to get strong, my hot flashes abated, and my outlook became clearer, I felt proud…and grateful…and gratified.

Then?

I walked into the forest with a pack on my back.
I worked on new projects.
I bought a kayak, blew it up, dragged it into the water, got in it, fell out of it, got back in, paddled away and saw the world from a whole new perspective.
I packed my car and drove it to the Pacific Ocean.
My car died and I dealt with it…not well…but I dealt with it the best I could at the time.
I finished a huge writing project.
I bought a new car.
I had some very hard days, and hard weeks.
I had some unbelievably amazing days and weeks where I was totally in the flow.
I was faced with deep loss, and felt low as I’ve felt since my marriage ended.
I climbed hills, I went into canyons, I talked to myself, I cried with myself, I saw myself, I saved myself, my ass and thighs burned with the hot fire of many squats, I read, I listened, I wondered how self-centred it ALL was and reminded myself EVERYDAY that it’s okay to take care of yourself, to focus your attention on yourself for a spell…AND/OR for the rest of your life.

It’s a friggen crime that it feels selfish to take care of and/or focus on yourself.
I struggled with that a fair bit this past year…and actually writing about this made the feeling reemerge…this worry about what people would say about what I wrote here.

Along the way this year, people offered A LOT of opinions on what I should be doing and how I should live my life…and I realized that while I’ve spent a lifetime, A LIFETIME, being swayed by the opinions of others?…My aim is to continue to get quiet, and take the time to know and hear my own opinion.

This is VERY new.
I’ve let the way other’s feel about me and my choices sway my feelings about myself for my entire life.
I can’t believe it took this long to really take in that what someone feels about me is not the gospel.
The opinions of others, no matter how well intentioned, will always be little right, they will always be a little wrong, AND, most importantly, people will tell us their view of our lives through the gaze of their own experience.
I want to decide for myself.
Read that again.

Be open, but hold on.
Two things can be true at once.
Hold on, but be open.

So, after a few days of thought, if I were to make a tidy quote about the most important lessons I learned this year…if I were to put as few words in a sentence as possible AND still encapsulate my 2021 learning?
It would be this:

 

Unabashedly be yourself, nurture yourself, care for yourself and protect yourself furiously…and be fucking curious.

 

I think it’s the best route to being a meaningful contributor to society. Just sayin’.
We are each our own suns.
If our lights are dim, we can’t shine them on others.
That sounds lordy, but I stand by it.

Have a wonderful day, Humans.

*This writing is supported by one million emotions, hormones, periomenopause, 63% happiness, 37% struggle, having to do the math on the aforementioned percentages, time to think, a sleepless night, a want to make something good out of a really challenging event, a full belly, peppermint tea, the joy and melancholy of the Christmas season, a tinge of aloneness, a quest to find truth, many chats on the phone and FaceTime with Lisa, Ari, Deb and Patti and love…and an INSTA LIVE with Shoshana and other Lisa.

December 9th, 2021 – S.M.
Toronto, ON. Canada

As always, I thank you for reading. If you wanna follow along and subscribe, fill in the box below. Also, you can follow me on INSTAGRAM and Twitter where I am VERY Active. Click the thumbnails up in the right corner to link up. : )