But Will I Puke? – Tofino Adjacent -ECSTATICALLY ALONE TOUR

It’s bonkers the things we remember, right?…the little scraps of memories that we’ve torn off from the full stories of our lives, and stowed away for later, that pop into our minds at the weirdest times, but on further reflection, maybe NOT so much the weirdest times.
Sometimes, the memories we save SEEM to make absolutely no sense.
I mean, who really cares that you sat out front of your corner store when you were around 12 and ate Bottle Caps (the candy, people) in your favourite new sweater from the Biway on Concession Street?
Is this memory about the sweater?
Is this about the Bottle Caps?
Who knows!
Wait…oh YEAH!…that day, all those years ago, I decided to wear something that I liked EVEN THOUGH all my other friends were dressing the same (as usual), and I celebrated my aloneness (sad and scary as it felt, at the time) with Bottle Caps out front of the corner store on 25th Street.
Those Bottle Caps tasted sweet, and it was more than sugar, it was the sweetness of almost-independent thinking.
So, yes, I guess they do make sense sometimes, we just have to be a bit quiet and meditate on it.
Even 41 years later.

A couple of days ago, as I walked along Wickanninnish Beach, I was staring at the powerful surf, scrunching up my toes in my hiking boots, loving the feel of my merino wools socks hugging my feet, and I suddenly remembered when ALMOST my whole family went to Florida.
And I say ALMOST because they went…without me.

The Facts: I know I was really young. I seem to recall that I was sick. But if I was sick, why would they leave me? Brutal. All I know, is that I was left behind.

As I stood on the beach of Vancouver Island, I was momentarily flooded with the day my family drove away up 27th Street (yeah, I lived close to my corner store) like it was yesterday…and I could feel the tick of the loss in my 53 year old, perimenopausal heart.
God, it was so long ago, but standing there on the deep beach with the tide out, it felt so sharp and fresh.
All those years ago, I was left behind with my Grandmother, who I loved dearly, but who could NEVER, EVER measure up to Florida.
WHO COULD!?!?

SIDEBAR: Well, the Florida of my childhood, at any rate.
No offence to Floridians, but it’s a bit woo woo down there, right now…and has been since Jeb Bush was in charge…is he still in charge? I don’t even wanna google.
I’m totally gonna get emails about this.
Onward.
END OF SIDEBAR.

Anyhow, back then, when my family embarked without me, Florida was all Daytona Beach (not scary), Cape Canaveral, Disney World, sun, swimming pools, flip flops, velour tube-top onesies…everything a young gal dreams of.
When my mom, my two sisters and one of my sister Kim’s friends drove away from our house, up towards Fennel Street in our blue Chevy, I chased that car up the street with my Grandma walking quickly behind me, screaming for me to come-back-right-this-minute-young-lady.
I remember crying like a baby as they drove away, and holding my hands up in the air like that kid in Hope Floats when her asshole Daddy drives away, leaving her behind with Sandra Bullock, Gena Rowlands and, eventually, Harry Connick Jr.
That kid got the way better end of the bargain, if you ask me.
Oh, I love Hope Floats.
Judge at will.

But also in the end, I was Not Taken.
Left behind.
What a terrible feeling, one that REALLY sticks around for a long time.

So, all these years later, I decided to just take myself, didn’t I?
After almost two years of pandemic living, this year, I took myself SAFELY on a trip.
Never left behind, again.
As I stood on the Tofino beach, the fog hanging around the tops of the trees, the coast as moody as a coast could possibly be, my smile almost split my face it was so wide and I felt 100% pleased with myself…because I’d given myself a gift.
Gratitude abounds.
What a thing to finally be grateful to yourself.

Vancouver Island is indeed magic, as everyone says it is.
I’ve had the full meal deal of weather and experience, as well.
Rainy and wet the first three days, the surf was huge and dangerous on every beach.
The last two days, the sun blazed in the sky and the water seem almost tame.
Not quite tame, but almost.
Everyday, no matter the weather, I put on my day pack and my new favourite hiking boots…

THEY ARE KEENS.
I WISH KEENS WOULD SPONSOR ME.
HOW CAN I MAKE THAT HAPPEN.
I WOULD WALK THE HELL OUT OF THEM. AND TALK ABOUT THEM ALL THE TIME. 

…walking Lighthouse Loop and almost the entire Wild Pacific Trail, a lovely trail that is maintained and kept immaculate with very easy to follow paths that hang off the coast of Ucluelet.

Ucluelet is this amazing little town (the locals call it Ukee) that you stay in if you want a really cute place near the water but don’t want to pay four times the price in Tofino. : )
It’s Tofino adjacent.
I went to many wonderful restaurants in both towns, and usually was seated at the bar because I was just one, a phenomenon I haven’t really experienced since I became single, but here on Vancouver Island, if you are just one person?
They really sell you the bar, like it’s the golden ticket.

WE see you, restaurant owners and hosts, we solo travelers see you.

We also like a beautiful table that looks out a window, with no one across from us to spoil the view.
Just sayin’.
ALSO, SHOUT OUT TO THE AMAZING WICKANNINNISH INN, WHO SAT ME AT TWO TOP AND TREATED ME LIKE A QUEEN! Lord, that place was amazing, by the by.

During my five days on the island, I walked every beach from Ucluelet to Tofino.
I hiked a beautiful rain forest path.
I stayed in a gorgeous little cedar cottage outside of Ucluelet.

At night, I would lay in bed and listen to the coyotes yell and scream…which was only a BIT disconcerting the first night.
FOR REALS.
The first night I stayed there, I walked out on the porch at around 10:00pm to look at the stars, and the baying began.
I’ve not heard anything like it.
It was a bit shocking how primal it was.
AND you just know it’s not a dog. You know.
It was chilling…and wild…and I was in the forest alone…and as it went on and I locked myself inside the cottage, I convinced myself it was NOT a werewolf, and then? I dug it.
I. DUG. IT.
It’s funny, about five years ago, being in the woods alone would have terrified me…and hearing the coyotes howling would have sent me over the proverbial edge.
Not that night, nor any after.
This made me smile, too.
I smile that ended with a guffaw.

After traveling back and forth from Ucluelet to Tofino every day, and doing every SINGLE thing I could imagine, I woke up my second last morning feeling a bit of pressure to make my last full day on the island amazing.
My plan was to go on a mammoth bike ride through the Pacific Rim Preserve, even though, I felt pretty tired from all my to-ing and fro-ing.
Laying in my big king sized bed, I opened my phone and scrolled around, looking at the socials.
When I got to INSTAGRAM I looked through the messages that were waiting for me.

Sidebar: People who are following along on this journey, write me every day, give me travel tips, tell me to be safe, and generally comment on the pictures I’ve taken and where I am. It’s quite lovely.
End of Sidebar.

As I scrolled through the messages, I found one from a woman named Emma that said this:

Now, what you need to know here is that I have motion sickness, and it’s fairly unpredictable.
I could be fine…OR I could be very NOT fine.
My curse is that I love boats, love to fly, love to generally do bumpy things that make me feel very sick.
Which, now that I think about it, is one of the reasons I believe I didn’t get to go with my family to Florida, all those years ago.
Back seats were not my friend for a VERY long time, insert sexy joke here.
So, I’d spent the five days on Vancouver Island driving around, hiking, sight seeing and all the while, quietly considering the whale watching tours, and wild life watching tours and, in the end, deciding that I didn’t want to take the chance…especially since I was alone.
It…
It…
It scared me.
I didn’t want to be disappointed, possibly have a whole day ruined…and feel like an puking ass, alone.

But staring at Emma’s message gave me pause and made my sensitive stomach clench.
IT seemed like a sign, right?
Oh, I didn’t know Emma by the way, not at all, but I answered her message.

Me: Oh, yes…I really have wanted to go…but I have motion sickness.

Then we back and forthed.
Emma suggested the anti-nausea patch, mentioning that the water was fairly calm and that the day was beautiful.
She told me that she TOO was going out on the whale watching tour that day, the last day of her job at Ocean Outfitters and, indeed, the last day of excursion season.
She would be embarking in an hour and half.

I looked at the time, realizing if I got my shit together, could make that.

I agonized.
AGONIZED.
We chatted a bit more, and our exchange came around to these two words:

No Pressure!

Fuck.
Fuck it.
JUST FUCK IT.

I jumped out of bed, madly texting her, telling her I was coming.
I called the adventure company and booked my ticket.
I threw clothes on, put extra warms and my rain jacket in my back pack, and jumped in the Kia.
I drove the windy road to Tofino with barely contained excitement and fear…both…I had both…in spades…and I breathed them deep into my stomach and heart.
As I wound around the coastal highway, I started talking to myself and it went something like this

Me: Sharron, you gotta take the chances. If you have to take the gravol, wear the bands and put on a patch for the rest of your fucking life so you can do stuff like this? DO IT!! DO THE THING! TAKE THE THING! TRY. JUST FUCKING TRY. WHY NOT TRY!?!?! It’s time to stop not doing things because you are afraid of being embarrassed and/or afraid of being disappointed or afraid of being alone…or most importantly, because you are just plain afraid!”

Parking in front of the Tofino pharmacy, I ran in and bought EVERYTHING.
Sea Bands.
The Anti-Nausea Patch.
And some more gravol, as a last resort.
My cashier was dressed as Ted Lasso and I remembered with a jolt that it was Halloween.
Hysterical.

I arrived at Ocean Outfitters, got my life jacket, a tea, bought a hat (because why not) and met the lovely, Emma.

Me: How do we know each other? How did we end up together on INSTAGRAM!?

She: It’s a long story. My mom, Nancy, follows you. She is a big JannFan and found you through her. She does not comment a lot on social media, but she follows you and has been following your trip. When you got here she emailed me and said, “Keep an eye on Sharron, she is in Tofino, alone”…so, I’ve been watching…and I thought you would really like this tour.

I stood there, in the adventure office, holding my tea and my life jacket, sea bands circling my wrists, patch behind my ear and it felt like someone put their hand on my heart.
I don’t know Nancy.
I didn’t know Emma.
But here they were, touching my life, giving me a reason to be braver, helping me do something audacious on my last day.
This is really a beautiful world, filled with kindness and community.
I felt very fucking grateful and very NOT alone.

I haven’t been alone this entire trip.
That is one of the major lessons of this pilgrimage.
If you can open your heart and take a chance, you aren’t alone.
You aren’t.

I know how Pollyanna that sounds…but it’s totally fucking true. Full stop. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Bippity Boppity Boo.

Also, the other lesson?
Trust yourself.
Just fucking trust yourself.
You got you this far.
ALSO ALSO…TAKE THE FUCKING GRAVOL. WEAR THE BANDS. PUT ON THE PATCH. DO what IT TAKES TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE.

I was SO fucking excited AND terrified to get on that boat for a cruise that was just 30 minutes less than the trip that ended in disaster for all the residents of Gilligan’s Island.
Would I puke?
Maybe?
Would I embrace my experience?
Yes.
I wrote this permission slip before I left, and stuffed it in my pocket.

For my first half hour on the boat, I sat outside, on the back, clutching a steel pole with both gloved hands like it had the cure for the common cold in it, looking at the horizon, terrified.
Just tight and terrified.
Then a little voice inside me said, BREATHE.
JUST BREATHE, MATTHEWS.
And I did.
Like Whitney Houston in Waiting to Exhale, I waited no more.
And as the air wooshed out of me, I realized that I’ve been clenching my stomach for my entire life.
My entire life.
When I took in that breath, and let it out…purposefully relaxing my stomach, I felt a part of me let go forever.
No hyperbole.
Breathe.
Let go.
MAKE NO MISTAKE, I WAS STILL NERVOUS, BUT THERE WAS HOPE FOR HAPPINESS. Every time I felt myself starting to freak out, I would breathe and let my stomach relax, unclench my hands a bit, let my jaw loosen, and relax my shoulders.
How had I been so fucking tense my whole life?

The dude who was our guide, a well read gent named Ron, who had no idea the religious experience I was having, stopped the boat for a second, and as we bobbed in the ocean (EEK), he told us about what our tour would look like, mentioning we were going out into the open sea, telling us to hold on (he gazed and my two handed grip and smiled) that though seeing wild life was hoped for, it was not guaranteed.

He: Let’s hope we have a lucky charm.

One of the woman onboard told us that she was, indeed, lucky in this sort of situation and as I clutched the pole, unclenching my belly with every breath, I hoped so.
As we ploughed through the ocean and we all were scanning the horizons for wild life, for spouts, for fins, for bobbing heads, I almost became relaxed, then I down shifted to calm, then…and then, my people, I started to really enjoy myself.

And oh yes, we saw whales.
Tons of them.
They surrounded our boat for about an hour, and I had not one lick of fear.
I was holding onto the lovely Emma’s arm dancing around with excitement.
Oh my god, it was glorious.
We saw whales, otters, sea lions and herons.
It was a spectacular tour.
On the drive back to the dock, I found myself casually leaning up against the back rail, with feet crossed, hands resting on the bar behind me for stability, nary a care in the world.
JOYFUL.
JUBILANT.
TRIUMPHANT.

Emma mentioned that Ron, our awesome guide, was taking out a bear watching tour right after this tour finished.
Well.
Well, I would like to see another bear.
Mostly, I wanted to stay out on the water.
But dare I push it?
Should I just cut my losses, count my win, and toddle off?
Fuck that shit.
I signed up for the next tour, bought some excellent French fries from the place next door, ate a few and left the rest with Emma, who was staying behind to work the desk.
I got back on the same boat and we raced towards the inlets where bears had been spotted.
I have to tell you, I was 100% happy.
100%.
I don’t know how I could have been happier.
Ron told us that it was so close to the end of season, we might not see any bears, that it was always a gamble….but we might.
After about an hour, it didn’t seem hopeful…but then…there on the coast line, a Mama (they called her a sow but that seemed like a read) and her cub.
Two bears.
They wandered along the rocks, turning them over and looking for crabs and barnacles to eat.
We lazily watched them from afar…and it was fairly spectacular.

Ron, The Tour Guide: I think you’re the lucky charm, Sharron!

BLOOP.

You could even hear the extra R in my name, when he said it.
I smiled and took the compliment like a festive 12 year old.
I was so fucking grateful that Emma texted me that morning, and that Nancy followed Jann, and then me…and so on and so on.

I enjoyed the day from every angle, as well as the community.

EVERY.
SINGLE.
ANGLE.

I thanked Emma heartily.
Oh!
This is me and EMMA!

After the tour was over, and I gave Ron ALL the money in my purse (I wish I’d had more to tip), I waved a fond goodbye to Emma and Ocean Outfitters, put my pack on, and went on my solo way to sit at a bar overlooking the bay of Tofino, and enjoyed some VERY EXPENSIVE chowder in celebration.
And you know what? It tasted as good as the Bottle Caps, probably better.

 

 

 

 

 

Namaste, Bunnies and Kitties.

November 3rd, 2021 – S.M.
Calgary Adjacent, Alberta.

If you wanna follow along, just put your name in the box below and subscribe. I am also very active on INSTAGRAM…and my handle is @sharronmatthews THANKS for reading…and if you enjoy my HOW VERY DARE SHE? PASS it on!! : )