Screams, Discoveries and Billy Ocean – Jasper, Kamloops and North Van – ECSTATICALLY ALONE TOUR

Well, I’m almost ALL the way to my goal.
Tomorrow, weather and the goddess permitting (there was a weather bomb out here…no joke, look it up!), I will reach Tofino.
That will be a total of 4668 kilometres in my KIA, since October 9th, not counting side trips.
Don’t clap for me yet, even spiritually, I still have to drive home…but I DON’T have to think about that, yet.
In the moment, Matthews.
Stay in the moment.

Yesterday, I drove the almost five hours, from Jasper to Kamloops.
It was hard to leave Jasper, I’m not going to lie.
Being there was a fucking joy.
I already look forward to returning, who knows when?
But I sure will.
AS I drove out of town, the sun was out, full force.

Just as I hit the city limits, there on the side of the road, foraging under a tree…was a bear.
A BEAR!!!!
I WHOOPED AS LOUD AS ANYTHING as I drove by!
That MUST be a good sign, right?
Of what, I have no idea, but it felt right.
It was just the perfect way to end my magical visit to Jasper.
God, I saw everything while I was there…coyotes, big horn sheep (I thought they were mountain goats but was kindly corrected by someone on the social media), elk, deer and a moose…I think…it might have been an elk…either way?
Super cool.
I believe that I experienced the full-meal-Jasper-deal.

After the bear sighting, the rest of drive was good and uneventful, but it tired me the fuck out.
When I arrived in Kamloops, I checked myself into Scott’s Inn and Restaurant, a local favourite as far as I can gather.
Back in 2015, I was there to do a show, and went to Scott’s for breakfast a few times. When it popped up on the old HOTWIRE, it seemed like the perfect place for a one night stay.
I was not wrong.

With the sun barely set in the sky, I laid in my bed, on the comfortingly slightly scratchy sheets, watching old Carol Burnett episodes.
I tried VERY HARD to stay up for a while, but fell asleep at around 8:45pm.
I slept for eleven hours.
Yes.
Eleven Hours.
Then I got up, had some eggs in the restaurant, and got on the road again.
AND what a drive it was, you guys.
Holy shit.

My entire drive from Kamloops to North Van, a mixture of terror and terrific, went something like this…

Me: Oh wow, that is a beautiful view AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Me: That mountain is gorgeous AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Me: I wonder what’s around this wonderful corner….AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

It’s a hair raising, twisty and turny trek through the Rockies, with summits of an elevation that were just under 2000 feet.
The last part of the previous sentence is written all wrong, but the longer I stare at it, the more I want to leave it. Sue me.

Up the mountain.
Down the mountain.
Around the mountain.
Then under the mountain.
THEN STRAIGHT UP.
FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY STRAIGHT DOWN.

There was fucking SNOW up there, people.
The highly traveled highway winds tightly around MANY SKY-HIGH mountain curves.
My stomach dropped more than once, but I loved it.
It was work, though.
AND if the twists and turns alone don’t make you very nervous, every 100 feet or so, there’s a sign that proclaims (usually in a shade I will forever think of as PANIC-YELLOW) one of the following dangers:

HIGH MOUNTAIN ROAD. BE PREPARED FOR SUDDEN WEATHER CHANGES.

AVALANCHE WARNING. DON’T STOP.

BE PREPARED FOR WILDLIFE.

PLEASE HAVE WINTER TIRES ON YOUR CAR PAST OCTOBER 1ST.

CHECK YOUR BRAKES.

HIGH WINDS CORRIDOR.

I mean…there was A LOT of deep breathing. A LOT.

A couple of hours ago, I arrived in rainy North Vancouver, and checked into my 2 star motel.
Yes, 2 star.
Yes, I love motels and I don’t care who knows it.
I ALWAYS check out the reviews, they always have the best amenities, things that would cost you extra in more expensive hotels, you get FOR FREE…and if you have a bike, you get a first floor room and slide it just inside the door.
Right?!?!?
Just after I arrived, I stowed my overnight stuff in my room, and got back in the car and drove to Capilano Canyon.
It is a full fall day here.
The leaves are still on most of the trees. The west coast is gloriously a couple of months behind Ontario, and five months behind Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba.
The walk was pretty magical…if I may use magical again…and I may…

I felt compelled to go to Capilano, because I used to walk my dog, Otto, there a lifetime ago.
It seems like a lifetime ago, anyhow.
I stood on that bridge today, my hood pulled up against the rain, and a young woman walked her dog across and past me.
When she smiled at me, I judged that she is probably the same age I was, when I walked Otto…all that lifetime ago…and I was struck by time.
It’s such a funny, bendy and overwhelming thing.
I wondered, fleetingly, where that woman will be when she’s my age.
Where will her life take her?
It was the same feeling I got when I was driving out of Marmot Lodge, the lovely place I stayed for three days in Jasper, and watched a family standing crowded together, getting selfie to commemorate their trip.
As I drove past, I imagined the young children looking at this picture years later, remembering their trip…and I was overwhelmed by the then and now.
That was then.
This is now.
This is now.
This is now, Sharron.

Traveling like this, a pilgrimage of sorts, is such a delightfully wonderful,  hard thing.
HIGHLY worth it, but definitely not easy.
But, again, worth it. This is what I remind myself when it’s the hard thing.
Back and forth, back and forth, right?

I cannot believe that I’ve been traveling for over two weeks.
Today? I got a bit homesick AND then, wondered if I can just keep going.
TWO things, true at once.

There is a certain practice of life I’ve been enjoying on this trip.
My traveling life is very different than it used to be.
It has a certain order, and there is much less road turmoil than when I was younger.
My grown-up travel style is very Virgo…and I dig it.

I get up.
I stretch.
I meditate.
At then end of my meditation, out loud, I remind myself to be brave and trust myself.
I make tea.
I make a sandwich.
I grab an apple.
I pack all these things in my pack, then I pack up the car, or just myself, and go.
I’m giddy some mornings when I wake up, giddy.

And some mornings? Spent.
Back and forth.
Two things. True at once.
Some of the nights are hard, I’m not going to lie.
I’m having A LOT of dreams, some bad…not nightmares, really…but a good deal of memory wrestling.
Everyday, I take whatever happened in my head during the night, and think about it while I walk, hike, drive or sit.
Then a few nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, the stain of a bad dream hanging over my half awake mind.

The half awake mind feels as defenceless as a new born, doesn’t it?

My usual reaction is to fight all the feelings, try to get to a happier place so I can sleep some more, but that few nights ago, when I was awake enough, I tried something new.
I put my hand to my heart, took in a deep breath, and said, out loud

Me: This belongs, this feeling belongs, it’s time to rest, Sharron.

I must have said it 30 times, or more.
The next thing I knew, it was morning.

When I started meditating back in January, I didn’t know where it would lead me, but I knew it made me feel very peaceful.
Through the journey of meditation, I learned that the goal of the practice was NOT to escape your body…but to be present.

THIS WAS A HUGE SURPRISE TO ME.

I know this may seem VERY obvious to many of you…but it was a really new concept to me.
It was a real AHA moment. Thank you, Oprah.
Then, a couple of days ago, I was doing some yoga into my morning stretch for my back, when it occurred to me that yoga was ALSO about being INSIDE your body…not escaping it.
AGAIN, probably VERY obvious to many you…but new to me.
It was a fucking shock to discover.
At 53.
I’ve been trying to escape my body for years.
Boom.

Later that day, I sat in front a river and ate my lunch, running the idea of being inside your body around and around.
It was this river, to be exact…

You know what?
I’ve spent MY whole life looking at my body as a reflection, not as the vessel for my spirit…not as me…not from the inside.
I’ve always seen myself from outside.
I’ve always looked at myself, as I think others see me.
I looked at myself as a picture, not as flesh, bone and spirit.

Fuck.
Holy fuckballs.
What the fuck?
Suddenly, beside that river, half eaten ham sandwich in my hand, I was excited and overwhelmed all at once.
What to do with that?
My heart began to beat, my stomach start to roll…I started to feel anxious…I started to feel alone…I need to do something with that…I need to figure it out…I need to…this cannot be good…

Then? I thought of my friend Mike, who sent me a lovely note as I started this drive, and it went something like this:

“…don’t feel you need to process this trip and everything you’re feeling as it’s happening – there’s no timetable and no expectations…the blog can wait, the conversations can wait, just do what’s right for YOU on any given day…”

It was a huge get out of jail free card.

A permission slip, if you will.

So, I decided that I’m going to carry that huge discovery along with me, inside me and instead of trying like mad to figure it out, which is my usual brand (an action that NEVER works out AND is highly frustrating), instead, I am going to learn to let it percolate.

And this thought has percolated since I first thought it…and it turns up sometimes during my drive and burns me with the need to put it somewhere…frustrates me…makes me anxious…and I breathe and do my best to just let it belong.

Speaking of permission slips, something Brene Brown writes about, I wrote myself this permission slip this morning…

Onward.

God, I hope I don’t puke over the side of that ferry tomorrow.
The weather is supposed to be windy, and someone told me that it was going to be rocky…

The moment, Sharron.
Stay in the moment, and go to sleep.
This all belongs, and it’s time to rest.
For some reason, this thought makes me cry a bit.
What a time.
Namaste, Bunnies and Kitties.
Thanks for reading along.

P.S. A Few Thoughts FROM ALONG THE WAY That I Forgot To Mention, But That Don’t Really Warrant An Indepth Going Over:

1. Why does it seem EVERYTHING that’s worth seeing down a very, very, VERY steep hill?
2.  For some reason, it surprised me that there was (and still is) a HUGE river in Saskatchewan. Then as I traveled west and the same damned delightful river was in Edmonton…the mighty North Saskatchewan…I wished that I’d read more of our family Encycolpedia Britanica collection. Upon further recollection (and there is A LOT of time to recollect out here) I realized that we could only afford up to volume M. So, it’s not REALLY my fault. Gorgeous river, though!
3. There is nothing quite so delicious as being in a new and desirable location, for the very first time. It’s like going to grown-up Disneyland.
4. On my third day out here on my own ( Doris Schwartz), in my relentless search for a new theme song, I put on a DISCOVER NEW MUSIC playlist for that days drive. I wasn’t really paying close attention to the songs, focusing on the road and the view, until I heard these lyrics breeze by, “Yeah, we fancy like Applebee’s on a date night” Jesus wept. Send help. Namaste. The end of the world is nigh. Dear Spotify, I DO NOT need to discover that song.
5. Whatever happened to Billy Ocean?
6. Having someone ask you a question and having only YOURSELF to turn to for the answer? Powerful as fuck.
7. Googles Billy Ocean.

Oct 26th, 2021 – S.M.
North Vancouver, BC

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