So, yesterday I am happily driving to Joe Fresh…for the record this is NEVER an unhappy thing for me…you gotta love lovely styles at affordable prices…WHO DOESN’T?!?!?
I turn on the radio in happiness…in celebration of Joe Fresh and being done my show day at 11:45am. Because the radio is a bit broken…you can’t see what channel it is on…and the fact that I don’t feel like listening to Q107…Georgie’s fave…I start to blindly search the channels.
The seeker stops on the musical chords that are clearly the beginning of some country and western Christmas song…
I ain’t saying I don’t like country…I don’t enjoy all of it…but I love the Dixie Chicks…that counts right? I guess that is kinda like people declaring that like some musicals and then say “We Will Rock You” counts, right?
Make your own assumptions about that statement.
Anyhow, the song is just starting…all flowery and with ping-ie piano chords…and I have a moment when I admire the campiness of the country lyric…I know the country community would be surprised and maybe a be horrified to discover how camp their lyrics truly are…like
But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.”
“My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do
really? Or how about…
“If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.”
How nice. But do you see what I mean?
So, as I ponder over these thoughts, the songs starts…and it sounds like that country guy…I don’t know his name…they all sound like him…the guy who sang “Butterfly Kisses”….all husky voiced and earnest.
He starts to tell a story about a pair of shoes….instantly I am pulled in…because what girl doesn’t dig a song about a pair of shoes….and then I realize this isn’t a happy shoe song.
I will short form this shit for you.
It is basically about this guy who goes into a store and sees thisdirty little kid who is holding a pair of Manolo Blahnik’s…the kid wants to buy them for his mama with money from his paper route because she is dying that night….Christmas night…and he wants her to look pretty when she meets Jesus.
Of course, the guy gives the kid the cash. And it is happy, yet horribly sad Christmas with the dirty child at the end of his moms bed…with her corpse clad in pink sequined mules.
Yup…that is the story.
I found myself doubting the child’s authenticity during the song…I could see his criminal father rolling him in the dirt and telling him to pick the most expensive pair of shoes in the store so he could sell them on Ebay. Just like a modern day Oliver.
I have one question.
Who the fuck comes up with these fucking Christmas Country Songs?
Oh wait…one more question….And where kinda life are they living that they got this idea?
I have to tell you something else…I was in such disbelief about this song on that I drove home…after my very successful Joe Fresh visit…and Youtubed it.
Ya know what?
That made a fricken movie out of it….with Rob Lowe and that chick from “Father of the Bride”….they cleaned it up a bit…the child was not dirty.
I watched the video on Youtube and just about lost my shit.
Are there people at home right now listening to this “Christmas Shoes” song between “Do they Know It’s Christmas?” and “Silver and Gold”?
Is this what Christmas songs have come to?
I am just shocked and freaked out and not a bit delighted.
Oh god…it is just so good in a way that is so bad.
And now, without further ado…is the Christmas Shoes song…you decide…
and if you like it….good for you…but if you don’t… as Olympia Dukakis’ character says in “Steel Magnolias” (no coincidence..total camp) “Sit next to me!”