I went for a mani, pedi and hairpulling today.
I would like to share with you some of the things I learned.
1. I think people go for a pedicure because it is the one place that you can read Us, People, In Touch and Hello…and no one judges you. ( I got through 6 magazines. Bliss. Oh “Who Wore It Better”…I love you.)
2. I am not too knowledgeable about the bible, but I am pretty sure the Kardashians are one of the signs of the Apocalypse. I thought there were only three daughters…there is like…a million…and there are some boys too. And here are two words, Bruce Jenner. And here are two scarier words, Kris Jenner.
Check out their Family Christmas Shot.
Right? A whole lotta kooka.
3. I secretly wish I was a Kardashian.
4. My nail colour is called “Mermaid’s Tear” from the Pirates of the Caribbean Collection. Me say, “What Collection?”, she say, “The Pirates of the Caribbean Collection”, me say, “That is fucked. “. she pauses for a second…looks around…and says, “I know, right?”
5. I thought people went for the magazines alone until the foot and leg massage started. I made sounds that are inappropriate. I did.
6. When the same massage happens on your hands…and your face is about a foot and a half away from the manicurist…it can get uncomfortable. I wanted to ask her to stop talking…but that just seemed weird…right? (Is it?)
7. Eyebrow waxing. Let it be said that I am afraid of needles and will put that off forever and tell the needle giving lady that I need to lie down during . But I pay someone to rip the hair off my face. Every three weeks.
8. Hair only grows on the left side of my upper lip…me say, “That is fucked.”, She say, “I know, right?”
9. I hear the Kardashians get the anus’ bleached. Pause and read again.
10. Oh! I forgot…when the pedicurist told me that my feet were in good shape, I giggled and was filled with hubris. I am the most competitive person I know.
11.The exit after a mani/ pedi can be one of the most vulnerable moments of ones life. Think about it…you can’t use your hands…and it is winter but you are wearing flip flops so as not to wreak your pedicure. So, no hands, no feet…and everyone is putting on your clothes for you and rooting through your purse. So, really, a mani/pedi is an emotional trust exercise…people who you don’t know rubbing you, touching you, asking you about your life, seeing the crap you keep in your bag (including half a scone I have been saving), watching you laugh over some nugget that Selena Gomez said and then sending you out in the world shoeless…like a baby.
Can you imagine if a therapist did that to you?
They could be sued.
Good day. Good day.
Oh, and for your viewing pleasure…Mermaid’s Tears against a sea of purple…