Last night someone called me fat. And not even in English. It has been my life long struggle. My weight. Once someone who was sitting right beside me…who is a good friend… called me the “Luther Vandros of Canadian Musical Theatre”…to which I forced the expected gut laugh.
Yes, I laughed at it…because I was embarrassed. Shouldn’t I seem as if I am fine about it…strong and empowered by it?
But, believe me people, to me, my weight is not a laughing matter…it is something I agonize over on a daily basis. EVERY fucking DAY!
Everything I eat, everything that I wear, circles around where my very sensitive form is at that day.
And yes, it seems more sensitive than others…it does…you can all think what you want about my choices but when I sit beside a 5 foot gal who mows down a steak dinner with a beer and she tells me that her appetite is like this all the time…I know that my body is sensitive.
I joke that I was born to carry milk and farm…that, basically, I was born with the genes of a peasant…this is my latest ‘funny quip’ about the battle that has raged within me my whole life.
I have never wanted it to define who I am.
So, I don’t usually talk about it.
But I picked a business where it is a central focus.
Being big is obvious.
Sometimes you can’t tell when your friend is a crack head…and crack can make you thin…so maybe you have given your crackhead pal a compliment on their recent weight loss. Who knows how they lost it…they look great…size wise anyhow.
Yes, that is harsh…but that will tell you where I am at today.
Many times I have lost weight just to avoid the snap decisions that the world makes even before you open your mouth…they see you standing there and make assumptions…she is jolly, she is funny, she eats too much, she can take me telling her all of these things…she is an object to be judged simply by her size.
And I am angry that I have lost weight for that reason…but I am not going to lie to you… it was great to level the playing field, even for a while.
The oddest thing I experience at the edge of a large weight loss is that it never seems enough. I don’t know where to stop…
As I have lost weight a number of times I do my best to not listen or confront the opinions and voices that come my way…but it is a futile battle sometimes…equal to the final war scene in that movie “300”.
Here are the comments and here are my standard responses.
“You look so much better.” Than what exactly? A dog, a tree, a couch?
“You have lost a ton.” I didn’t know that I had weighed a metric tonne.
“We were all hoping you would lose the weight” Did you and Canada have a talk about my pants size? I am flattered.
You know how I always know that I have gained a bit too much weight?
In conversations when people are talking about bigger humans someone is just about to say fat…they even get the “f” out if their mouths…and they say overweight, large sized or, my person fave, hefty…like the garbage bag.
I know I have “become socially acceptably thin” when FAT comes back into a conversation.
The above mentioned scale is more trustworthy than any scale or pair of “skinny’ jeans.
Oh god. Why.
Why do I care so much…and why do you?
I feel embarrassed that one of the only things that has made me feel better about my struggle is…Oprah. She has it all…money, fame, power…and she STILL goes up and down. I have even thought “Uh oh, there she goes.”…I know..I am also quite guilty of the judgement.
But the fact that she has ALL of those things and battles anyway gives me a small degree of comfort.
But then there is the horrible Kirsty Alley story…she has become an American car wreck. And she is doing her VERY best to spin it…but it is horrible to watch. For me anyway.
he public cannot get enough.
The world gives you one chance at salvation.
Like a movie or a good book.
You get one chance to make yourself over…to kick the habit…to not be something the world disdains…but GOD help you if you take another drink or gain back that weight.
Shouldn’t they have learned the first time?
Back to Oprah.
I was listening to Portia DeRossi talk about her anorexia.
This was about 5 years ago, before the recent Ellen and Portia interview on Oprah. She was making some awesome observations and then said something like “Well, look at Oprah, she has everything a person can want but all I see is a yo yo dieter….”
That froze me…really…this woman has done so MANY amazing things…and THAT is what you see?
I have been big, I have been small…I hope to be smaller again…but I want it not to be at the cost of…well, of….my big self.
Do you know
what I mean?
I have been on a diet for about 35 years and I am pretty pooped out.
But…but I try again…I try not to be embarrassed at dinners when I order a salad…to not think that people shit and think “Uh oh, here she goes.”
So, I am in the middle of another little war…
And I am in the middle of one of the biggest things I have ever done in my life.
I know I am not Oprah, but I think I have done some pretty cool things.
And I think that the “World Domination Tour 2010” is one of the coolest.
I even did a photo shoot this week….I was nervous because I wish I was smaller…but I decided to be fine with where I was…my photographer Tracey Nolan got some great shots…and though I agonized a bit over some of my full body shots…I thought “BE enpowered!!!”
I have worked hard to get where I am…wherever that may be…I have put in a ton (not a metric tonne) of hours.
And now to yesterday…
Friday March 19th 2010
Yesterday I went to a commercial audition and tried not to feel fat…and came off alright…struggled with thoughts that my agent might not be sending me out as much because I am bigger.
Came home and sent emails to NY and Scotland…realized I had met all of my goals for this date…a date I had on my calendar…Mar 19th…deadline for Edinburgh Fringe Early Registration…I had a venue and had raised enough funds to put a down payment on it, register for the fringe AND buy an ad in the program. And contacted people about a PR person for my NY dates.
I taught commercial pop performance (one of my biggest passions) and watched young people make great discoveries and do hard work and I felt so blessed.
Some of the students I taught previously came in to audition for my big fund raising benefit…I am featuring up and comers who I have worked with…they did some great stuff and humbled me, making me feel grateful to be a part of their journey.
I sat and ate (every bite in watched meticulously but enjoyed thoroughly) with dear friends and laughed.
I went to meet my husband after his show…as I walked into Betty’s a gentlemen who I didn’t know very well, but who I had welcomed into my home said something loudly in Serbian.
I don’t know it you know…but I DON’T speak serbian…or english very well sometimes for that matter…and just moved on.
I order a green tea…not a wine or beer….and this Serbian gentleman saddled over to me and started engaging me in conversation.
I know I had a smile on my face…I was enjoying myself…then he said….
“When I met you I heard you were a singer…and looking at you I thought she has the warmth and size to be a singer…you know rounder…a bigger woman…stronger….(then here I started to hear a screaming sound in my head and my heart started to beat faster so I misses a couple words so you get the gist)…so I yelled “(something in serbian that I AGAIN didn’t understand)”…you know, it means…”It isn’t over till the fat lady sings”….”
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Again…my whole day…which was mostly fabulous…reduced to this.
And, instead of getting mad, which I am happy to do when someone says something horrible and rude to me…I am ashamed to say…I got embarrassed.
I said it was fine.
I went to see my friend who was across the way.
And then I went to the bathroom and cried.
Good lord. Why did I not call him out?
I went home, quickly, and got into the bath….till 4:00 am.
All of these great things and this one asshole felt confident that he could reduce me to one common, rude phrase.
I went over and over it again in my head.
There is nothing funny about it and nothing I want to crack wise about it.
have not gotten over it yet and I am sure I will carry it through my day.
And please don’t feel bad for me…let me wage my war of weight peacefully as I can…and see me…and know that deep inside I totally dig myself…I just have my moments. And I just wanted to publicly say…
Fuck you, you small, small man. Don’t you know who I think I am.