So, I waited. I waited till today for MANY reasons to see Nine. Firstly, I couldn’t find someone who would go with me….and also I was putting it off because I heard so many negative reviews and I didn’t want to believe it. I just DIDN’T WANT TO BELIEVE IT PEOPLE!!!

When I sat in the theatre last September to see some other film and the trailer for Nine came on…I gasped…which scared the shit outta George and then I started to cry. TOTAL GAYLORD. I know. So, I waited…and then the crap reviews came out. NO.

Yes, my friends. It was crap.

My niece, who came with me…who is a totally smart, together lady…had no idea why it was called Nine.

Way to go, Rob Marshall.

Now, here is the kiss of death…I did the show in college…yes, I know…someone has always done a production of something somewhere..I loved it…I loved the music and the story…and NONE of it existed in this…film…may I use that word loosely…you think I might even give it a break because it was a musical …and I have a soft spot for them and will give them A LOT of leeway…but not here people.

Where shall I start.

Oh yes, this is a movie about beautiful women, well it shoulda been…and they could not have been shot from less flattering angles…in one of Nicole Kidman’s first shots she looked like Carl Malden in a Ginal Lolabrigida wig…don’t know who either of those people are?…google the crap outta that…and I thought it was virtually impossible to shoot Penelope Cruz from a bad angle…DING DING DING…well, success on that one! She looks like hell in everyone of the shots she is not singing in. Singing? Hm.

And they made Kate Hudson eat…something…I am all for people eating…don’t get me wrong…but I think they gave her a week to gain weight…so she ate two Mars bars…all puffy.

And I LOVE that everyone calls Fergie fat in this movie.

Hollywood sucks.

And every major character in this movie ends up sitting in front on Daniel Day Lewis… and crying.

Kidman.

Cotillard.

Cruz.

When the final woman started to tear up in her song I said out loud ‘COME ON!’.

They sing about how much they love him and how he is so brilliant…but how he fucked them over…but they still love him.

Gross.

In the stage play…all these women leave him…because he is too hard to be with.

They made sure, for some reason that this was not the case in the movie.

Cruz’s character tries to commit suicide.

Cotillard, instead of singing the beautiful and empowered “Be On Your Own” in all her clothes, appears as a stripper wearing next to nothing in a new number that is crappy and ends up showing her tits…from a back type angle…but she still shows side-tit.

One word.

WHY!?!?!?!?

And Kidman…looks crappy….they stick some hat on her head while she massacres one of the most beautiful songs…..ever.

They took out some of the most beautiful music… Nine, the title song…THEY CUT THE TITLE SONG…which is sung by the Mother…instead Loren sings ….sings…a song called “Mine”….I kept waiting for her to rhyme ‘Mine’ with ‘Nine’…while she sang to the boy…WHO IS NINE…DING DING DING….but nope.

And she wears a matching neck scarf with every outfit.

The took out “The Bells of St. Sebastian”, “Only with You” and Carla’s beautiful song of leaving called “Simple”.

And in their place…and in their place my friends….was a song called “Cinema Italiano”…in which the puffy Kate Hudson shakes her ass and says Cinema Italiano over and over again..and Guido…over and over again…way to move the plot. And she go go dances.

REally.

Really?

I am all depressed.

Fave moment…Cotillard singing “My Husband Makes Movies” …it is lovely.

I didn’t feel anything about Lewis.

Which, I think, is a bad thing.

Mad.

Sad.

Bad.

Sigh.

Okay, my final thoughts…from someone who is NOT a film major but a lover of musical theatre ….it was like a movie that would be directed by a first year film student who loved Italian Cinema and wanted to use ALL of the examples of….Italian Cinema….in one movie…with a bejillion dollar budget and….ANY ACTOR that he wanted in the world.

In Chicago, the movie…which I LOVED…he used the device of the songs being done in Roxie’s mind…maybe because he didn’t think that the actors singing them where they were written in the original stage script would be accepted by a non-musical audience. Who knows? But it worked like a MFer there….

In Nine….he puts all of the songs in Guido’s head because….wait….haven’t I seen this before?

Give the audience a break…they are smarter than you think….

WOW!!!

How do you really feel Sharron!?

Oh…and let us be realistic people…I hope he NEVER reads this and casts me in his next movie….hmmm.

What did you think?

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